89. Spy Kids: Armageddon: Another lazy attempt by Robert Rodriguez to try and renew interest in the franchise. What was once a fun family action film has devolved into straight-to-streaming trash. Did you like Antonio Banderas? Well, here’s Zachary Levi!
88. Slotherhouse: Every bit as dumb as the title sounds when you read it out loud, this film really thinks it’s important to show you the social media profile of the characters. Not just some of them…ALL.
87. Run Rabbit Run: I really want Sarah Snook to prove to the world that she can act outside of Succession, but this wasn’t good at all. Will only be remembered in my mind for fading to black every two minutes.
86. The Little Mermaid: More pointless live-action remakes! Halle Bailey tries her hardest to keep this thing afloat (pun intended), but Flounder is nightmare fuel and “The Scuttlebutt” is cancer to the ears.
85. You People: A comedy that thinks it’s clever, but forgets to be funny and doesn’t have anything meaningful to say beyond “racism bad.”
84. Your Place or Mine: Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher sounds like a good romantic pairing…in the mid-2000s. Exacerbating the problem? They’re almost never in the same room together!
83. Shazam! Fury of the Gods: I almost walked out at that Skittles line. Shockingly little to no chemistry among the main cast even though they had an entire previous movie together. Pointless cameos that serve no purpose. Somehow only the start of DC’s bad run in 2023.
82. The Flash: Speaking of run…I’ll see myself out. Bad CGI is one thing, but the director defending bad CGI because it’s supposed to look like that in the Speed Force or whatever is even worse. Oh yeah, then there’s the whole Ezra Miller angle. A truly terrible movie that only made me angrier the more I thought about it.
81. Fast X: I already knew it would be stupid, I just didn’t know how much worse it could get. Then with no explanation, they bring back Gal Gadot (the queen of cameos in 2023) while leaving you on a fake cliffhanger because we know no one of consequence will actually die. Go to hell…wait, I wasn’t being serious!
80. Heart of Stone: Four Gadot movies in a row! She might need to fire her agent…
79. Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire: Zack Snyder has no shame. He literally just remade Seven Samurai in space. In a year full of derivative trash, this might be the worst offender.
78. Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom: It’s always a great sign when you can tell that no one wants to be there.
77. Anyone but You: Casting hot people is only half the battle; you also have to write jokes. A rom-com that’s missing the “com.”
76. The Mother: Jennifer Lopez tries her hand at the action genre, but just ends up as a poor imitation of far superior predecessors (Charlize Theron comes to mind).
75. Cocaine Bear: If you haven’t seen this film, whatever you’re imagining in your head is probably better than the finished product. Suffers from the 2014 Godzilla problem of thinking we would care about the humans in a story with a bear who, spoiler alert, ingests cocaine.
74. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania: As a character, Ant-Man works best when he’s in the real world trying to prevent lower-level threats. This movie is instead set in the Quantum Realm where everything looks and feels fake (especially MODOK).
73. Peter Pan & Wendy: Apparently the lighting budget was nonexistent? This film takes place almost exclusively in the dark and while that can be interpreted as a thematic choice, it really doesn’t work when you watch it at home on Disney+.
72. Haunted Mansion: On one hand, I like seeing a different side of LaKeith Stanfield. On the other, it’s too long and filled to the brim with lazy product placement.
71. You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah: Sandler brings back his friends (but mostly his family) for another Netflix project that bears eerie resemblance to a film that will be appearing later in the rankings.
70. Pain Hustlers: Even our greatest actresses like Emily Blunt have to pay the bills somehow.
69. Gran Turismo: Hey, at least it’s not the most cliché sports movie ever made. He finished third!
68. Magic Mike’s Last Dance: A jaw-dropping finale almost saved it.
67. Totally Killer: Referencing better movies just makes me wish I was watching those instead.
66. Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget: The animation is still top-notch, but something felt off about this long-awaited sequel. Maybe it’s the predominantly new voice cast or just the fact that most of the jokes didn’t land for me. Babs in particular doesn’t have anything to contribute besides being “the dumb one.”
65. Saltburn: Shocking moments feel like they just exist so people will talk about it afterwards. No problems with the acting (Rosamund Pike has a few lines that made me laugh unexpectedly), but there’s very little substance here.
64. Napoleon: More like “Napoleon’s Greatest Hits” rather than an actual exploration into the man’s psyche and what made him such a fearsome historical figure. Joaquin Phoenix sounds like he’s asleep half the time. Vanessa Kirby innocent.
63. 65: Much like Cocaine Bear, the premise sounds cooler than what we actually got. Adam Driver and Ariana Greenblatt are both charismatic enough to hold your attention, but…where were the dinosaurs?
62. Flamin’ Hot: One of many “product movies” this year. If you had told me a decade ago that Eva Longoria directed a Cheetos movie, I would’ve asked if you were having a stroke.
61. Nyad: Splices in too much real-life footage for this to be compelling as a narrative feature because why not just make a documentary then? Jimmy Chin and Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi have already made two great ones with Free Solo and The Rescue. Annette Bening and Jodie Foster are obviously good, but there was a better option here in my opinion.
60. The Blackening: Obviously not part of the target demographic, but I laughed enough times while watching this on a plane.
59. No Hard Feelings: One naked fight scene on the beach does not make a great R-rated comedy. Tries to establish an emotional connection between the two leads, but it felt creepy at times and unearned at others. There’s a better (and raunchier) version that landed higher on the list.
58. Beau Is Afraid: Filled with the most WTF moments maybe ever? I almost applaud the attempt by Ari Aster, but it’s not worth sitting through 3 hours of weirdness. The guy has some real issues; maybe directing is his version of therapy?
57. Renfield: I can’t cite my source on this, but Griffin Newman would’ve been better in the Ben Schwartz role. Nicolas Cage as Dracula is an easy sell, but I could’ve done without the whole Awkwafina storyline.
56. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny: As the kids would say, this is very “mid.” Ugh, I hate myself for even using that word. Honestly would’ve preferred an original adventure film with just Phoebe Waller-Bridge.
55. Transformers: Rise of the Beasts: Pete Davidson as a robot? Still pretty annoying! That G.I. Joe tease is never going to pay off.
54. Blue Beetle: Susan Sarandon, I hope you enjoyed the paycheck.
53. The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes: As I told my friend when we left the theater, this really should’ve ended after the games. I don’t care that the book keeps going or that the studio didn’t want to split it into two parts after the relative disappointment of Mockingjay, but this movie overstays its welcome by a solid 45 minutes.
52. The Creator: My Letterboxd review sums it up quite nicely: “Can something be both original and derivative at the same time?” Easily the best-looking movie of the year (especially considering the budget), it just fails at…everything else.
51. Leave the World Behind: If you spend almost two hours building up the suspense, the resolution has to be somewhat satisfying. I guess no one told me life was gonna be this way.
50. Killers of the Flower Moon: Look, I can appreciate the craftsmanship, but the runtime is a significant hindrance. I could watch three classic Disney movies in that amount of time! Maybe I’ll give it another chance.
49. Extraction 2: Give us a stunts category already!
48. Knock at the Cabin: Dave Bautista genuinely good to the point that I still think he should be in Best Actor consideration at the end of the year.
47. Next Goal Wins: Has Taika Waititi lost a step? Yes. Did I still mostly enjoy this film? Also yes. Hopefully a breakout performance for Kaimana.
46. The Super Mario Bros. Movie: Cinematic cotton candy, but this could’ve gone horribly wrong as opposed to the “just OK” movie we ended up getting. Chris Pratt still gives the weakest vocal performance, so temper those expectations for Garfield.
45. Wonka: He ain’t Gene Wilder, but he ain’t Johnny Depp either. I had to look up the mid-credits scene and proceeded to laugh at the idea of an RDCU (Roald Dahl Cinematic Universe).
44. Missing: The novelty has slightly worn off since Searching, but Storm Reid is a compelling lead for this sort of thriller. Some suspension of disbelief required.
43. Dumb Money: Hollywood cashing in on a viral news story too soon? Shocked!
42. Quiz Lady: Awkwafina as the “normal” sister and Sandra Oh as the crazy one was an inspired choice. Great emotional payoff moment at the end along with a poignant cameo.
41. Fair Play: Alden Ehrenreich started to show real acting chops this year; I was not the biggest fan after Solo, but he’s turned it around with some interesting choices in 2023.
40. Rustin: Colman Domingo as a leading man covers up a lot of mistakes.
39. Wish: She really needed seven friends so Disney could make a forced Snow White reference?
38. Elemental: “Mixed metaphor” is putting it kindly, but as they always do even with inferior work, Pixar tugs at the heartstrings by the end. You can tell the core message was essential to the director’s upbringing.
37. BlackBerry: Never owned one, knew nothing about the history of the company, never seen an episode of It’s Always Sunny…yet this was a fascinating watch. If Best Supporting Actor wasn’t already stacked, Glenn Howerton would deserve a nomination.
36. Priscilla: Not trying at all to be a companion piece to Baz Luhrmann’s biopic and that’s a good thing; in fact, I prefer Jacob Elordi’s depiction of Elvis.
35. The Color Purple: Immaculate technical achievement. Really loving this musical phase of Corey Hawkins’ career.
34. A Thousand and One: In a just world, Teyana Taylor’s heartbreaking performance would be a frontrunner for Best Actress.
33. Rye Lane: Short and sweet rom-com which we don’t get enough these days. A+ cameo as well!
32. Maestro: Bradley Cooper was smart to put Carey Mulligan front and center because she is transcendent. Will always think about the giant inflatable Snoopy that passes by the window after the big argument scene.
31. Talk to Me: Two guys from YouTube made a sleeper hit horror movie that grossed over 20 times its budget! Talk about a feel-good story.
30. Shortcomings: You probably have no idea what this is, but Randall Park directed it! Shouldn’t that be enough?
29. They Cloned Tyrone: Newfound crush on Teyonah Parris right here.
28. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem: Best non-verbal joke of the year with “introducing Paul Rudd as Mondo Gecko.”
27. Asteroid City: I have decreed that Jeffrey Wright shall be a permanent staple of future Wes Anderson films.
26. Evil Dead Rise: I will never look at cheese graters the same way again.
25. Air: It’s downright comical how much they try to hide the actor playing Michael Jordan.
24. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3: I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face, but Karen Gillan might have the single best acting moment in 2023 with her reaction to hearing Rocket’s voice again. Get it? Blue…in the face?
23. No One Will Save You: It takes a very specific kind of actor to carry a film with effectively no dialogue. Kaitlyn Dever, it turns out, has the goods.
22. May December: Julianne Moore delivering the line “I don’t think we have enough hot dogs” immediately followed by the score kicking in at full blast is top-tier comedy.
21. The Marvels: As someone who thinks Cats is so bad it’s good, I was absolutely dying in the theater during the Flerken scene.
20. American Fiction: “The dumber I behave, the richer I get.” America in a nutshell.
19. Poor Things: Mark Ruffalo is delightfully despicable and I love it. Hmm, maybe I should use that phrase more often.
18. The Boy and the Heron: Strange and beautiful…yep, it’s a Miyazaki! If Joe Hisaishi is not recognized for his superlative score, we riot.
17. Nimona: Criminally underseen animated gem on Netflix.
16. The Killer: Comparing Tilda Swinton to a Q-tip…who said Fincher’s films weren’t funny?
15. The Iron Claw: On second thought, maybe cutting out that additional brother was a good decision. There is such a thing as “too depressing.”
14. The Holdovers: Wait, you’re telling me Paul Giamatti doesn’t actually have a lazy eye? He should win Best Actor for that alone.
13. Bottoms: Insane high school comedy that draws from many different sources but manages to stand out as its own unique creation. Marshawn Lynch an Oscar nominee in my book.
12. Barbie: I still don’t enjoy significant chunks of this movie, but it’s endlessly quotable and funny. Now the proud owner of an “I am Kenough” hoodie.
11. Creed III: Besides one major(s) problem, this is a solid directorial debut from Michael B. Jordan. I really appreciated the deaf representation with his daughter; something about movies just enjoying the silence when characters are signing to each other resonates with me every time.
10. Theater Camp: “Do you know any other Post songs that you could, like, rattle off the dome? Like maybe ‘Wow’ or ‘Congratulations’ or the one from the Spider-Verse soundtrack?”
9. Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One: Someone finally figured out how to use Hayley Atwell outside of the MCU!
8. Oppenheimer: Maybe the greatest ensemble cast ever assembled anchored by a stunning Cillian Murphy performance. The DiCaprio pointing meme was born for this.
7. Joy Ride: Do I grade on a curve when it comes to Asian-led projects? Of course, but that’s only because we get so few of them. I saw things in this film that I’ve never seen before in any R-rated comedy which should be commended.
6. Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret: Kelly Fremon Craig just doesn’t miss when it comes to the coming-of-age genre.
5. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves: The biggest surprise of the year. It might even be too high on the list, but it’s just so fun (maybe my Game Night bias is showing). Can Michelle Rodriguez just make these instead of more Fast & Furious?
4. Godzilla Minus One: A final line that nearly broke me. Ending might be too sentimental, but this whole movie just worked on a level that I can’t explain. Puts every other blockbuster this year to shame.
3. John Wick: Chapter 4: Dragon’s Breath sequence is forever etched into my brain.
2. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse: So blown away by the visuals that I had to get the artbook for my home. If anyone still dismisses animation as “the lesser medium” or “just for kids,” you can kindly leave.
1. Past Lives: Without getting too personal, this film made me reflect on a friendship that I think could’ve turned romantic if I had mustered up the courage to ask. She’s now happily married and recently had a kid, but every now and then, I wonder how my life would be different if things had swung the other way. At the same time, I’m happy with the life I have now, so seeing Teo Yoo and Greta Lee wrestle with those questions moved me more than any film in 2023. Celine Song deserves all the praise for capturing such a deeply specific feeling.
Differing Opinions 